The Phoenix

2019 April 16

This is a year where I feel a high level of unhappiness. I am unable to pinpoint exactly where this deep discontentment lies. From the outside, life seems perfect. I have 2 beautiful children. We live in a lovely area of town, in a lovely home. Just late last year, my husband finally decided to buy me a new car and splurged and got a Porsche Cayenne. Because our Porsche has not yet been delivered from Europe, after 4 months of waiting, the Porsche dealership has given us a free loaner. As such … I am currently driving around town, speedily I might add, in a Porsche Cayenne.

Okay… I won’t lie. Driving a Porsche is incredibly fun. I love to speed and drive speedily. I admit that. Yet that momentary few minutes of fun is fleeting and I soon become deeply unhappy again, deep within my core as each day passes. But this deep unhappiness is something deeper within me.

I have been wondering if it’s because I am a stay at home mom currently and not working in my profession that I used to be awesome at? I have 3 Bachelor degrees and a doctorate degree. 4 degrees in total. Yet my unhappiness is deep within me.

I wonder if it could be perhaps my marriage and the lack of communication I feel with my husband as of late? Could it be the terse way we converse? Could that be a contributor? 

But even deeper than that… I wonder if it is because I feel as if I am lacking purpose in my life. A greater and deeper purpose? My current purpose is to be a mother and wife… and although I am great my purpose of being a mother… it’s exhausting and many times… being a wife to my husband feels very unfulfilling. I feel as if I am more of a cleaner, house keeper, cook and maid more than anything else.

Again.. that unhappiness and feeling of being deeply unsettled sits quietly in the back of my thoughts as I try to quell it and push it down. I am living in California. Sunny California where the weather is good. I remind myself of how wonderful my 2 beautiful children are turning out to be. I know I rock at being a good mother. YET…. yet… whispers this still small voice in the back of my mind… I feel insignificant. I feel … sad. I go about my day.. volunteering in the classrooms and raising my kids. I cook and clean and am supportive. But something is missing. I’m not sure what it is.

A small voice wonders if perhaps my marriage is dead as a doorknob and it’s time for me to consider leaving it. At that point… I close the door the million of thoughts running through my mind related to divorce. Not right now. Not this moment. My day is not yet over to fall apart at the seams and think through divorce.

So in the 30 minutes I have free before I shuttle my children onto their next set of day’s events… I quietly open the kindle book I was reading, “Permission to Try.”

Do I need permission? Do I need to give myself the room and forgiveness to try something new? I do not know.
I do know… last night’s connection to my husband was deeply unsatisfying because there was such a disconnect with him. 

Yesterday.. the Notre Dame burnt down. It was a deeply saddening moment in our history. A moment with many precious masterpieces were burnt to ashes. Dust to dust. So temporary. In Greek mythology, the Phoenix is a bird that rises anew from it’s ashes/dust. It is reborn from it’s own ashes.
I suspect the Notre Dame will be rebuilt, to house and expemplify a significant and historical moment in time again.

I wonder.. I if I too… can be reborn. Rebirthed. REinvented. Recreated… a new career. A new life. Because right now… my sense and identify of self has certainly become dust and ashes.